Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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