I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
