just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
