just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
