after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Randomize
