Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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