I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
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