watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Randomize
