Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Randomize
