i wish my penis had a tongue
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
pop tarts are not kleenex
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
