How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
