i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
