fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
