why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
