her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Dignity is for republicans.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
