beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
that is very illegal...i love you.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
