I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Randomize
