Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Randomize
