I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
