You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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