glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
thus making me awesome and them whores
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
