I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
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