I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
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