Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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