got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
