Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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