I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
