Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
