Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
