I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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