So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
