yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
