Is it because I queefed?
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
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