I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
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