FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
