just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
