No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
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