And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
