No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
