I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
