My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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