Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Randomize
