Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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