I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
