so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
