On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Randomize
