Got a toothbrush?
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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