Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
i think my mom watched the whole time
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
