I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
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