Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
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