we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
